The belts obviously snapped; I can’t even die right. This moment I took to all the times I felt validated as a girl.
When I was young, my Uncle Johnny, who was a year older than I would play around with me. When we were playing and I was pretending to be a girl I was penetrated once.
I have always seen myself as an exotic sexual object. Erotic and only too willing to play the part of a girl when my cousins wanted to role play kissing.
I’ve always been attracted to both genders. Boys have cute chests while girls have glorious breasts. But I knew I needed my Peter weeded from a phallus to fairest of them all. My confusion over my perception of myself and the views of my Roman Catholic family drove me into a suicidal tidal wave fuelled by self-hatred and misandry. Every punch to my face was a reminder that my mother needed a daughter, not a son.
But one night a superior NCO in the Army at Fort Hood looked at my male physique and treated me to a coercion filled night of passion. I was being raped and yet in a twisted way I loved that a man was attracted to me as it validated me as a girl. My mind is quite capable of performing mental gymnastics when it comes to validating my gender identity. My rape was also the one time I felt truly like a girl and I loved that feeling even if I hated my rapist. Again, mental gymnastics. I’ll give you a few examples of how twisted my brain is.
I convinced myself that my mother didn’t love me because I wasn’t born a girl. I resented her for the longest time. I lashed out volatile vitriol accusing her of not loving me because I am a reminder of Shawn, my biological father who left me before I saw my first dawn.
In retrospect, I put my mother through hell all because I couldn’t express my feelings of wanting to be a girl. I felt trapped inside a wide whitepickett fence in a suburban household. The only solace I could get to live my fantasy of being a girl was video games.
I always chose the girl characters. I always liked playing with the female characters in the game. When Pokémon Crystal came out, I rushed to buy it and finally! I can be a girl Pokémon trainer! My name Natalya comes from that day. The birth of a girl at least in cyberspace.
Speaking of second lives… it looks like I’ve one to run. Much kisses loves.